HelloThere

I can't even begin to comprehend the past cuple months of my life. So much has changed and so much has happened. Some things have changed for the better and others or even the same things, not so much in a way, I guess you could say. I started this as a new outlet for myself and as a child who was having trouble finding her way, to put it in the simplest terms. Now, I am still in ways that same child and still am a child, but I am also now a young adult. One who has found more of herself and whose world has been flipped upside down in the most unexpected way possible. I used to think of myself as an unattractive nobody with almost no friends. Now I can honestly say for the first time I feel beautiful, in a non-egotistical way and now I have alot of friends. I can for the first time in a long time say that I am happy.

In a cuple days I am heading to New Orleans, I am very excited! I hope to get a new camera by then and take some photography pictures and share them with you, like the one I took above last summer. I can't wait to share more of my photography, writting, and hopefully sketches soon.

xoxo
~ Confessions of a Mischief Maker

I honestly don't know what this is... Its to personal to be a story.. I dunno.

I could feel it.

The heaviness on my chest that felt as if there were 100 pounds on it.

I didn't think that it would happen.

But then again I didn't know.

My world had suddenly become shattered.

And to think I had actually had a good day.

I continued to finish up my hair, more sloppy than normal.

My chest felt as if it were going to collapse now.

I had never felt this bad before, it was scary.

Then again I didn't feel like it was going to actually happen.

My head was like a ping-pong match.

My emotions and thoughts going back and forth not sure what to do or think.

I finished doing my hair and proceeded to my bed and go to sleep.

With the lights finally out, I sat on my soft comforter and..

just sat.

Staring at nothing.

The blue glow from my iHome seeped onto the walls

creating a comforting blueish glow in my dark room, helping me feel not so alone.

I glanced at the clock, 11:30.

The room was quiet, I would have savored it if I hadn't felt this way.

I don't even know how to describe it properly.

And then I felt it.

That one tear, rolling down my cheek.

More came.

Then I started to think.

About my childhood how I'd seem to forgotten it until now.

How much regret, loneliness, and uncertainty I now realized filled most of it.

It hit me like a wave, it all flooding back to me.

It hurt

It hurt-so-badly.

My chest heaved.

Tears came flooding out.

Pouring like a river.

I wanted to scream.

But I wouldn't let my self.

It stared to get worse.

I was breathing so quickly now.

Too quickly.

I covered my mouth with my hands trying to muffle out my crying and heavy breathing.

I didn't want to wake my mother.

She wouldn't understand.

Memories of my childhood came rushing back.

I didn't like them.

It-hurt-so-badly.

I wanted to die from the pain I felt.

The loneliness.

I put my face into the covers.

I cried.

I cried so hard.

I sat up, my breathing was too quick now.

Or should I say my 'not breathing' cause' I barely was.

But I couldn't stop myself.

It was scary.

I could feel my throat start to close up.

I reached up and felt my neck, it was tight.

I suddenly regretted not wanting my mom to hear me.

I needed help.

I was shaking, badly.

I heaved and breathed so quickly.

My brain was like a lightning storm.

Going from one thing to the next.

Different thoughts, different memories.

It hurt.

I couldn't handle it.

It felt like an outer body experience.

I can't seem to do anything right.

I can't be that person people want me to be.

Eventually, my breathing slowed.

But the tears kept coming.

I looked at the clock, 12:20

I slipped under the covers, and plugged my iPod into my iHome and put on some nature sounds I usually fall asleep to.

The tears stopped .

I went to sleep.

I woke feeling numb.

I fully opened my eyes and saw my mom putting money for my lunch on my dresser, then she started to leave.

Mom?

Yeah? she said turning back.

I had a.... panic attack.

Last night?

yeah.

How come you didn't come get me?

I dunno, I lied. I knew exactly why.

Well, if you didn't come and get me you must've been able to handle it.

My heart sank.

It was the exact opposite.

She left.

I got up and started to get ready for school.

Where I would then go throughout the day and act as if nothing happened.

I ......

I am a writer.

I am a photographer.

I am an artist.

I am 15.

I love to read.

I listen to music not for its beat, but for its deeper meaning.

I regret too many things.

I love boxes.

I have an obsession with Ice, as in the frozen liquid not the drug.

I think with my brain too often.

I mentally, cannot get any sleep.

I analyze people.

I watch and wonder about them.

I wonder if that is healthy.

I have never had a boyfriend.

I wonder if I am broken.

I want to write a song but I can't.

I want to be an actress, but I have stage fright.

I worry about my regrets.

I have blue eyes.

I am nervous.

I am a procrastinator, but a perfectionist.

I honestly think I have OCD.

I have panic attacks, they scare me.

I haven't sketched anything in months and that worries me.

I hate school, not because of the work but because its a prison that keeps me locked away from the world for the whole day.

I want to see the world so badly it kills me.

I have been betrayed too many times it hurts.

I love snow.

I want to live in New York but I want live on the beach.

I love myself one day and hate myself another.

I am trying hard to look forward to the future.

I see a therapist.

I love my dad.

I hate my dad.

I find it hard to tell people how I really feel in person yet, I can bear my soul to complete and total strangers.

I don't have a BFF and it makes me lonely.

I wonder if anyone is still reading.

I wonder why life has to be so ugly and beautiful.

I know that no one cares or thinks about me as much as I have about them.

I want it to snow ALOT where I live.

I want my whole town to be underwater.

I hate my town.

I know that I see the world differently from everyone else.

I am who I am.

This is done.

My new found leaf

Hey.

So since my last blog I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I've 're-prioritized' some things in my life and I'm actually kind of excited.

I at least know what I want to do now which is exciting.

I am going to focus on what I really want to do.

If I do that then I think things for me will get better,

but I realize not everything.

I really feel I have discovered a healthy way out of this kind of slump I'm in.

Right now I am taking classes in school that really aren't making me happy.

I can't change my schedule until...

next year, when I'm going to High School... yippe.

But since the year is almost over I feel my new found hope?

whatever you wanna call it, will get me through.

And since I have re-prioritized I have realized that somethings I thought I wanted to persue in my life, I don't want to anymore.

So I will be spending more of my time doing things that make me, myself, and I happy.

I really hope I can keep this new attitude going.

xo

Confessions of a Mischief Maker

...

I have know idea what I'm doing anymore.
I'll just admit it.
Up until now I've felt like I at least have a handle on the world.
But now I look out my window and I don't recognize anything out there.
I don't feel apart of it.

I just thought that I at least knew what to do or that I had some things figured out.
But I don't.
I don't know anything anymore.
And of course that scares me.

I feel so Lost.

It bothers me to write this for some reason.
I am literally squirming as I type.
Perhaps, its that very thing that bothers me and admitting it.
I hate being not in control and not knowing what to do.

I've been lying to myself for some time and now I realize how bad things really are.
I've been pretending everything's okay, when that is such a complete lie!
That couldn't be anymore of a lie.

The world Is so big and I feel so lost in it.

Until later my trouble makers,
xo
Confessions of a Mischief Maker

better talk fast.

Recently, I came into a dollar.
When I first got it I didn't notice a little message it had on it.

Well, this past weekend I went to the movies with some friends.
I needed change for a twenty.
Once I got my money, I got what I needed, and hurried off to my movie.
I didn't really pay attention to this dollar.
Why would I?
It wasn't until 2 days after, I finally did.

'OK But I am Going home w/ Anorea So you better talk fast!
- Ashley'

I like this dollar.
It reminds me of how I wasn't the only person to own this dollar.
I just normally think that, its my dollar now,
but I forget that it all ways wasn't.

Then I start to think about the previous people that did own it,
and about this Ashley.

It's weird I know, but its interesting.

What did they look like?
What are they like?
What is their life like?

I just wonder about these people.
Have you ever seen a person and wondered who they are?
Like just a stranger and wonder what their life is like and what they do.
I do.

Again, it sounds strange, I know.

But, its very fascinating.
I like to study people.
And just wonder about them.
There is not really any other way to describe it.
It's not like a perverted thing, and I can't help it.
It can get depressing sometimes though...

But, I also wonder about this message.
I wonder many things about it.
but this would go on forever if I listed them.

I'm keeping it.

We Only See Others Flaws, We Are Blind

Ok so, today I was walking home from school with my friend.
She was telling me about how she was high in 2nd period and was smoking this morning before we went to school.
And about how she split a pack with one of her friends.

Then suddenly,
I became jealous.
Yes, jealous.
I was actually kind of jealous that we hadn't smoked together.

I wasn't supposed to be jealous of this.
I'm not supposed to want to do that.

Then I realized,
why did I think this way?
It was as if my mind was programed or brainwashed to think,
that's wrong
that's not right
I can't do that.
I then also realized how much of my life I'd been told how to think.
What I'm supposed to think.
What I'm supposed to do.

'Supposed', whats expected, understood. Required by as if by authority.

I never realized how much I'd been brainwashed.
How much I've been programed to think and do what I've been told.
Like everything else is not right.
Like everyone else is a bad person if they don't follow.
Kinda like College: Good, Smoking: bad

I realized how much of a shell I've been shoved into,
and and how I'd let it happen.

Why as a society are we like this?
Sure smokings not necessarily good, especially for someone my age but,
why do we judge so much?
Then try to force that judgmental belief onto others?

I just don't understand.
But, now my shell is broken.

bye little trouble makers..♥

A Story...

So, I figured its about time I tell you a little about my self.

I am a writer, if you couldn't guess.
I am a photographer.
Not professionally though, yet.
I sketch.
I am an artist.

Anyways, I have written many a stories in the past, but just recently I feel I have written one of my best.
I have been told it's good, really good.
So I thought,
why not share it?

There is not really a title for it.

No stealing.

I stumbled, almost falling into the sand. I continued on catching up to Ashley, my best friend. Walking along I looked up at my surroundings. Glancing up through the trees I spied the sun, hidden by the branches barely visible, but still there. As if it was hiding, spying on us. I continued up the sandy hill not following any path, making up my own. We had come a long way not stopping, jumping over the creek when the path had stopped at a sandy bank surrounded by crystal clear water running over rocks along the creek bottom. I had always liked hiking especially with Ash. She just made everything interesting. We had finally spoken for the first time in several minutes, “Its pretty here, a good way to kill a Sunday.” She stopped and breathed in deeply. The sun had peeked out from behind the trees and shone upon her face, the rays cut through her yellow hair almost making it glow. She plopped down on the sparkling sand dune, kicked off her flip-flops, and dug her toes into the sand. “Yea it is nice; too bad it’s a Sunday.” I said with a heavy sigh. I thought to myself dreading the idea of having to return to school in only a couple of hours. My stomach felt heavy and knotted as my hands started to shake just from the thought of my presentation in Social Studies the next day. “Dreading school?”
She said as she ran a hand through her hair, leaning back on the other. She knew me too well. “This presentation thing in Social Studies.” I said as I plopped down on the sand myself lying back not caring about the sand getting on my clothes. I tilted my head toward the sun, closed my eyes and felt the warmth soak into my skin, calming me down.” “Sucks for you, but try not to worry about it.” ‘Sucks for you’ rang in my ears echoing. I felt myself tense up again. I knew what she meant, her knowledge of my seemingly inability to function up in front of a class. I changed the subject, “How’s your high school stuff goin’?” Ashley had applied for Pebble Brook back in January and got in. She has this two year high school plan, taking one A.P. class after another then graduating, heading straight off to a fancy musical college in Boston after that. But this was all on hold with her schedule screwed up, her being forced to take beginners classes, making the whole two year plan impossible. “It’s a killer! I worked so hard to get in and now it’s all messed up!” She sighed falling back and breathed heavily. “I’m sure you’ll get your two year plan and be outta’ here.” I said encouragingly. This was secretly exactly what I feared. My best friend, practically sister, since 3 months old was going to be gone in 2 years? Just like that, gone. I had tried to cheer her up nonetheless. “I mean they said they might not even change the schedule! What am I supposed to do!? I just might have to go to a regular high school. Get my G.E.D when I’m sixtee….” I had zoned out. Ash kept on about her ‘future on the line thing’ not noticing as I tilted my head to the side, squinting at a glint of pink in the sand. The sun making it glow, radiating pink. I sat up then walked over to it. Kneeling down over it I saw it was kind of buried. I grabbed up the sparkling object, shook the sand off, and ran it through my hand. It was a key chain, lonely and lost. Mostly sliver with a plastic pink gem connected to the chain. I stared into it, lost in it. It felt strange, magical, like it was apart of me. It, this intimate object, had a hold on me. I couldn’t break. “RUBY!” Ash interrupted my thoughts, forcing me back to the present. “I’ve been calling you forever, what’s up with you?” I starred at her, dazed. “You look strange…” She said squinting at me. “Oh, um I dunno.” I said perplexed. She looked at me for another second then finally stood up, “Let’s head back.” She headed back in the direction we came from. I quickly stuffed the chain in my pocket and hurried after her.

Back at home I was suddenly aware of the lump in my pocket. I ran up to my room, calling out to my mom that I was home as I went. In my room, I shut and locked the door behind me. Only then did I take the chain out of my pocket. It lay in my hand, still not moving. Call it instinct but I then clutched it in my hand, staring into the fake gem I made a wish, one wish. To be able to get everything that I wanted, to never get turned down by any university, never get turned down for any job, never get said no to. Never. It was perfect. I felt a sudden jolt surge through me, like electricity. I could feel it coursing though my veins. The power of my future set into certainty. It felt good. I felt mad with power, voices in my head telling me what to do. I couldn’t resist. Telling me to destroy, destroy everything. One second later I was sitting down on my bedroom floor, panting. Had I blacked out? What time was it? I looked around my bedroom. It was a mess. Not your usual ‘messy room’ mess, but this was different. This room had been destroyed, intentionally. Not just ‘let go’. My things were knocked on to the floor, smashed as if someone had stomped on them, making them look like pancakes. My bed was torn apart, literally. The sheets ripped in half along with my comforter. It looked like a crazy person had gotten into my room. Were those bite marks in my wooden dresser, I thought appalled!? Who had done this? Had I done this? NO, I quickly thought I couldn’t have. But, then I looked on the floor next to me, the chain sprawled out on the floor. I knew what happened. What had I done?

© Copyright by A.M. Gordon publishers

Hey There.

So, Long time no see.
Sorry for the absence.
I've been busy, just trying to get through life.
I have come back now for good.
Well for a while at least.
And for many reasons,
witch I think will slowly reveal themselves to you over time.

I wish I could come back saying that I am well.
That I've done a 180,
That life is great
That I am happy.
But I would be lying if I did.

Now I only feel I live up to my name more than ever.

Many things have changed, and many have only gotten worse.

I have been hurt so many times over the past few months....
and I feel that everyone knows, but doesn't care.

When I first started this blog I started it to just to share poems or clever little statements that made you think.
But, now I am going to take it in a different direction.
More confessions and just being honest.

I feel that not much more people will read or care, but I can deal with that.

So, bye for today..

My little trouble makers.