I honestly don't know what this is... Its to personal to be a story.. I dunno.

I could feel it.

The heaviness on my chest that felt as if there were 100 pounds on it.

I didn't think that it would happen.

But then again I didn't know.

My world had suddenly become shattered.

And to think I had actually had a good day.

I continued to finish up my hair, more sloppy than normal.

My chest felt as if it were going to collapse now.

I had never felt this bad before, it was scary.

Then again I didn't feel like it was going to actually happen.

My head was like a ping-pong match.

My emotions and thoughts going back and forth not sure what to do or think.

I finished doing my hair and proceeded to my bed and go to sleep.

With the lights finally out, I sat on my soft comforter and..

just sat.

Staring at nothing.

The blue glow from my iHome seeped onto the walls

creating a comforting blueish glow in my dark room, helping me feel not so alone.

I glanced at the clock, 11:30.

The room was quiet, I would have savored it if I hadn't felt this way.

I don't even know how to describe it properly.

And then I felt it.

That one tear, rolling down my cheek.

More came.

Then I started to think.

About my childhood how I'd seem to forgotten it until now.

How much regret, loneliness, and uncertainty I now realized filled most of it.

It hit me like a wave, it all flooding back to me.

It hurt

It hurt-so-badly.

My chest heaved.

Tears came flooding out.

Pouring like a river.

I wanted to scream.

But I wouldn't let my self.

It stared to get worse.

I was breathing so quickly now.

Too quickly.

I covered my mouth with my hands trying to muffle out my crying and heavy breathing.

I didn't want to wake my mother.

She wouldn't understand.

Memories of my childhood came rushing back.

I didn't like them.

It-hurt-so-badly.

I wanted to die from the pain I felt.

The loneliness.

I put my face into the covers.

I cried.

I cried so hard.

I sat up, my breathing was too quick now.

Or should I say my 'not breathing' cause' I barely was.

But I couldn't stop myself.

It was scary.

I could feel my throat start to close up.

I reached up and felt my neck, it was tight.

I suddenly regretted not wanting my mom to hear me.

I needed help.

I was shaking, badly.

I heaved and breathed so quickly.

My brain was like a lightning storm.

Going from one thing to the next.

Different thoughts, different memories.

It hurt.

I couldn't handle it.

It felt like an outer body experience.

I can't seem to do anything right.

I can't be that person people want me to be.

Eventually, my breathing slowed.

But the tears kept coming.

I looked at the clock, 12:20

I slipped under the covers, and plugged my iPod into my iHome and put on some nature sounds I usually fall asleep to.

The tears stopped .

I went to sleep.

I woke feeling numb.

I fully opened my eyes and saw my mom putting money for my lunch on my dresser, then she started to leave.

Mom?

Yeah? she said turning back.

I had a.... panic attack.

Last night?

yeah.

How come you didn't come get me?

I dunno, I lied. I knew exactly why.

Well, if you didn't come and get me you must've been able to handle it.

My heart sank.

It was the exact opposite.

She left.

I got up and started to get ready for school.

Where I would then go throughout the day and act as if nothing happened.

I ......

I am a writer.

I am a photographer.

I am an artist.

I am 15.

I love to read.

I listen to music not for its beat, but for its deeper meaning.

I regret too many things.

I love boxes.

I have an obsession with Ice, as in the frozen liquid not the drug.

I think with my brain too often.

I mentally, cannot get any sleep.

I analyze people.

I watch and wonder about them.

I wonder if that is healthy.

I have never had a boyfriend.

I wonder if I am broken.

I want to write a song but I can't.

I want to be an actress, but I have stage fright.

I worry about my regrets.

I have blue eyes.

I am nervous.

I am a procrastinator, but a perfectionist.

I honestly think I have OCD.

I have panic attacks, they scare me.

I haven't sketched anything in months and that worries me.

I hate school, not because of the work but because its a prison that keeps me locked away from the world for the whole day.

I want to see the world so badly it kills me.

I have been betrayed too many times it hurts.

I love snow.

I want to live in New York but I want live on the beach.

I love myself one day and hate myself another.

I am trying hard to look forward to the future.

I see a therapist.

I love my dad.

I hate my dad.

I find it hard to tell people how I really feel in person yet, I can bear my soul to complete and total strangers.

I don't have a BFF and it makes me lonely.

I wonder if anyone is still reading.

I wonder why life has to be so ugly and beautiful.

I know that no one cares or thinks about me as much as I have about them.

I want it to snow ALOT where I live.

I want my whole town to be underwater.

I hate my town.

I know that I see the world differently from everyone else.

I am who I am.

This is done.